I hope mine doesn't look like that
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
