we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
