I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
