There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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