he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
