The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
