The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
