I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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