I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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