Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that