i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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