it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
