I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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