"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
