I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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