hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
