shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
operation harelip BJ is a go
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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