i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
