i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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