My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
