I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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