I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
