i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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