Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's rum buckets o'clock
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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