Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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