I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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