I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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