no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
