If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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