All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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