Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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