I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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