I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
