Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.