My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
