I've blown a few things in my day
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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