I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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