Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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