plz talk dirty to me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We left the knife in your bed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
