woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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