We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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