I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
