We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Never joke about your clitoris.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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