I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
