she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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