90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
