I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
