Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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