You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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