I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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