I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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