Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
