dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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