wrigley field is MILF paradise
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
