my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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