I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
