I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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