Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
