You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
