Small penises have feelings too.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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