he wants to bone in the snuggie
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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