I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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