Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
